okay pat passed out under dana's car
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
