Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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