you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
