I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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