You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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