The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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