Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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