Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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