my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize