I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
