Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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