so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize