Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
