I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We are two peas in an std pod
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize