I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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