I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
