I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
