idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
