are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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