Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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