Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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