you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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