i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
