Betty ford says i'm here all night
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
