Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
