I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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