Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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