She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
