The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
