I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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