Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
