I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
