Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
