my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Randomize
