When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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