Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
