The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
