I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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