And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dick very happy bro
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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