I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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