I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
