My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
