Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
