our cab driver is having phone sex.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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