yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
