i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
