the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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