i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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