when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize