I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize