apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
