Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
send nudes
from the living room?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
