All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
