can u get pink eye on your cock?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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