The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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