One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
