Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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